Ella Ann Alfonso

My sweet beautiful little niece passed away this morning. I can't put into words how heartbroken I am at this time. I feel so lucky to be her aunt and to of been apart of her little life. She has touch so many people with her life and has been an amazing example to me and others around her.

With my sister living in North Carolina I wasn't able to see them often but I was able to meet Ella a couple of times.. My first time meeting our little Ella

Last time I held her

Now she is with her brother Carson in heaven.. What a joyest reunion it must of been.

I love you Ella and I will miss you greatly...

Until we meet again XOXO

The Cherry on Top

It was labor day weekend and Matt was lucky enough to have the weekend off. We were invited to go up to a cabin with some friends and spend the weekend. Matt and I were so excited for a restful getaway with good friends. We arrived Saturday morning and wasted no time getting into the lake and swimming and canoeing around, and generally soaking up the sunshine. It seemed it was going to be a perfect weekend until I started to have really bad pain in my lower stomach. The past Wednesday I had this pain and it lasted 8 hours. I wasn't able to do anything it was such horrible pain. I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk, I could barely breathe it was so bad. At the time I just thought that it was from something I ate and after 8 hours it went away. But even the following couple of days I could tell there wasn't something right. So, back at the cabin, after feeling like the pain was returning, I went and laid down and tried to sleep it off, but it only got worse. I told Matt, after dealing with it on my own for a couple of hours, and he examined me (thanks husband, doctor :)) and insisted that we go to the emergency department to get checked out. Luckily, we already had our friends there to watch our kids. It was a relief to know they would be well taken care of. Anyway, I did not want to go to the ER. For some reason I thought for sure they were going to send me home and tell me I just had gas pains or a stomach ache or something embarrassing. It's just so hard to know if it is something serious or something trivial. The pain would go back and forth from being intolerable to being a little more than an ache, so I just didn't know what to do. We got there and the doctors did some urine and blood tests on me. They asked me if I was pregnant and I told them I didn't know. So until they knew for sure if I was or wasn't I couldn't have any pain killers.. which was killing me. After running the test the doctor came in and said "Your pregnant!!" I couldn't believe it! After Matt had his surgery we didn't know if we would be able to have children again. So for this to happen was a miracle. But now that I was pregnant it brought on a whole new level of problems that could be causing my pain. They had to call in a ultra sound tech from home, which ended up taking forever, and I got to deal with the pain for what seemed like an eternity. The doctor then decided I needed more blood work done. We got the ultra sound done and waited for the results. Then the doctor came in and said that the pregnancy was in the wrong place. I had a tubal pregnancy. I felt my heart drop. How could this be happening? I felt like I just went through two extremes. One, finding out I was pregnant and going though the thought process of what it would be like to have 3 kids. What if it was a little girl. Before finding out about the tubal pregnancy, Matt and I were talking about what names we liked and what we thought it would be. We were thinking that we would probably need to get a new car (aka mini van) cause we couldn't all fit in mine. It was so exciting thinking about another baby. Then to have that idea dashed in the very next moment was heartbreaking. They had the OB/GYN look at the ultra sound from home and said I would stay the night until he came to see me in the morning, after which he would come up with a game plan. They wheeled me up to the next floor where I would sleep. They gave Matt a chair that turned into a bed to sleep on. Poor guy. It was as hard as a rock. That night sucked! First of all I was starving. I hadn't eaten anything since 2pm and I was so thirsty. I took a drink of old warm water that was in the car before we went into the ER at around 5 and once I was there they wouldn't let me drink anything just in case I went in for a emergency operation. So I just had to suffer. Then to top it all off they gave me morphine for the pain, which was great for the pain but for some reason it was making my mind race. So all night long even though my body was dead I could not sleep. I asked the nurse if she would give me something to help me sleep and she said no because they wanted me to be awake when the doctor came in in the morning... ah, really, so instead of getting a few hours of sleep, to be rested and coherent when the doctor cam, I was to be sleep deprived? So the doctor could talk to a woman falling asleep on him?! Morning came and this is what I looked like..

My eyes were so swollen I could barely open them. Sorry, pictures are from Matt's phone so there not the best.

The OB/GYN doctor came in and told us our options with a tubal pregnancy but he highly recommended going to the OR for a diagnostic laparoscopy. The plan was for him to go through my belly button with a camera. Depending on what he found he said he might have to remove my ovary and fallopian tube along with the pregnancy. We scheduled the surgery for 10:30 that day (Sunday). I was so nervous. I had never had surgery before and the thought of the unknown scared me so bad.
Before the surgery.

After the surgery Matt saw the pictures of what they found and he said that my fallopian tube was the size of a mans thumb and was a purple, clotted, angry mass. The doctor removed all of the affected part of the tube and was able to spare most of my ovary. I had a hard time coming out of the anesthesia. Apparently I was screaming, crying, itching all over and trying to pull out all of my cords. Over time I calmed down. They took me back to my room and let me rest, but I was in so much pain. Later the OB/GYN came to check up on me. When I asked him about fertility, he said it would not be diminished, since I had a fully functioning right half.

Anyway, Matt and I were up throughout Saturday night, had surgery Sunday, stayed overnight Sunday because of severe post op pain, and were finally discharged Monday around 12:30p.m.. Poor Matt with his Mono infection was right with me taking care of me despite being exhausted the whole time. And my sweet friends, Syleisa and Kate, what would I do without them!? They ended their vacation early to take care of my family. They packed up all of our stuff, cleaned the cabin and went back to their homes where Syleisa watched my kids for two more days while I was in the hospital. They let our close friends know what happened and took care of meals. I have learned so much from them and from other friends that have been so caring and loving. I received so many phone calls from loved ones that sat there and cried with me. Little visits with cards, flowers, candy, crafts, and fingernail polish to keep me busy while I was down. My mom flew here to help me out this week even though she is very busy. Everything that everyone has done for my family has been so perfect and such a good example of how I should help other while they are going through trials. I really don't know what I would do without them. I pray that one day I can return the love that everyone has shown me. Thank you thank you!

I think I can truly say that the summer of 2011 just hasn't been our summer. We started off with having a herniated disc in my back in the beginning of June that was incapacitating for days. Then, Matt found out he had cancer last week in June and had surgery in July. He then was terrified that his cancer was making a comeback because he was so tired and exhausted again. He had Mono, diagnosed in August. My tubal pregnancy and surgery in September were like the cherry on top of a great few months. Hopefully, since I started the bad luck, I can end it. But we are both still living, our kids are doing well and we are stronger as a family. We love each other more than ever before:).

Really?!?!?!

Just when we thought life was going to get better we got the rug pulled up from under us again. This last week has been kind of scary for Matt and me. Matt's health started to go down again. He started to feel like he did when he had cancer (so tired, no energy, sleeping all the time). We were so scared! What if the cancer came back? What if it's spread all over the place? What if it's something worse? Fear started to set in and I really couldn't think straight. I love this man more then anything in this world and to see him in such misery and helplessness was horrible. I started to prepare myself for the worst. He decided he would go see the radiation oncologist and see what they could find. The doctor said it was very unlikely it was cancer again but still not impossible. They wanted to do some chest x-rays and blood work just to make sure, though. Test results came back and we found out he had infectious mononucleosis!!!!! MONO!! Really?? The kissing disease..... I had that in High School! So now what? In order to get better from mono you need lots of rest and lots of sleep and how on earth is a medical resident supposed to do that? He works hard often 80+ hours a week. He hardly has time to do anything but work as it is. But even though this isn't good news I will have to say it is a relief to know that his cancer isn't back. I didn't know how I was going to get through things if he had that again. I know we can get through this. I just pray that Matt can survive. Residency is hard to begin with. Every resident family knows how exhausting it is. Pray for my Man and pray for my family please. We need all the help we can get.

Preschool!!

My little boy went to his first day of Preschool this last week (Aug 22) He looked so Handsome that I couldn't stop taking pictures of him and now I'm left with so many cute pictures that I couldn't decided which ones to show you so I decided I would just show you most of them :)

Love it! haha

After taking pictures of him it was time for me to go.. I have been dreading this moment for a long time not knowing how he would do once I left. In the past when I would leave him somewhere he's not familiar with, he would scream and throw a tantrum like no other. So it was the moment of truth. I casually went up to him and said.. "K Ammon it's time for me to go, you have fun at school and I'll come get you when your done..." I waited for the puppy dog eyes that say oh please don't go.. but instead I got nothing! I again told him I loved him and I'll see him later and still nothing. Ahh really?! He could care less that I was leaving him there with a bunch of strangers. I gave him a kiss goodbye and he didn't even budge, lol. What happened to my baby? The one that loves me and always wants to be around me? Instead he has grown up to a very mature little boy who is ready for the next stage in life. As I walked out of the school I Couldn't believe he didn't throw a fit or protest even a little. Part of me was a little sad in the way that he didn't care to see me go but on the other hand I couldn't be more proud of him for how brave and strong he was.

When I went to pick him up from school he was so happy. I'm so happy that he likes it.

Some more pictures of after school..

So proud of you Ammon!

Love Mom XOXO

Life goes on..

Well it's been a little over a month now since we found out Matt had cancer. To be honest it feels like it never happened. He's back at work and is doing really well. Before we found out he could barely function. He was so tired and he hardly had any energy to do anything other than work and sleep. It was really hard on me and the kids. We missed him. When we found out he had cancer and it all made sense. After having surgery we started to see the real Matt again. Even though he was still trying to heal from the surgery he was back to the man I knew before. He would come home from a long days work and play with the kids. He would help out with the house and stay up with me after the kids went to bed.. I LOVED it! I was so thankful that everything worked out the way that it did. That the cancer hadn't spread, that he got his energy back and that he was able to be the dad we needed him to be.

I know it might seem odd for me to say this but I really am grateful that we went through this trial. It has brought us closer to the Lord and helped us lean on him for help. It has brought us closer together as a couple. There is no need to argue over the every day little things or be upset that he isn't around as much as other husbands are. Just the fact that he is here with me still is more than enough to be grateful for. That our husbands are a part of our lives is such a miracle in and of itself. Dwelling on the little things that bother us is not worth it. I have a grater appreciation for Matt and all of his hard work and I'm so grateful that he is still with us. It has brought me back to what is most important in this life and that is family and the gospel. I was also able to see the Lords hand in so many ways. He prompted friends, family and members in our ward to call us and see how we were doing even though they had no idea what we just went though. Our bishop, for example, came and got me out of my primary class the Sunday right after we found out because he felt there was something going on. He had no idea about the cancer, but knew we needed help. It was a huge testimony builder to me to know that my Savior knows me and knows what I am going through. He knows my heartaches and hears my prayers. Even though it was hard it made me realize that we can get through any trial that comes our way. As long as we stay strong in the Church and stay close as a family, we can get through it.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. We felt them every day!

Update on my Matthew

Today Matt had his check up appointment with the urologist. He reassured us that the pathology results showed no regional spread of the cancer and that the cancer was, indeed, a seminoma (best kind). He recommended getting radiation treatment, from the diaphragm down, to "sterilize" the abdominal and pelvic lymph nodes to prevent the cancer from coming back. He said that it would likely be just one course of treatment (one course is daily radiation for two weeks). The length of treatment, however, would be determined by a radiation oncologist. Matt also had blood drawn for testing and had a CT scan of his abdomen and pelvis to check for any visual sign of regional spread of the cancer. We are still waiting on the results from the scan. He had to drink a liter of contrast and also was given contrast through his veins. He said it tasted like chalk, but otherwise could be much worse. So, for now, Matt will continue to heal and wait for a radiation schedule. He'll be back to work soon.

As for the rest of us we are enjoying our daddy being home. Matt is able to play a little more with the kids and I'm just loving having him around.

There are still a lot of big decisions that need to be made that will shape the rest of our lives. We need all the help that we can get so please keep our little family in your prayers.

Thanks again everyone for the love and support

Road Blocks

You know how you hear of people who have been through really hard trials and heart breaks, who always say 'they didn't think it could happen to them'.. Well, I didn't think this could ever happen to us.... On Tuesday, June 28th Matt was diagnosed with testicular cancer. When I heard the news I felt my heart break. I felt like I couldn't breathe. How could this happen to us at a time like this. He is so young. He's in Residency and is so busy. On top of that I was recovering from a back injury. I guess it's true that when it rains, it pours. That night is kind of a blur. I cried, I cried, and I cried some more. I didn't know how we were going to get through it and I didn't know what it entailed. The following day I went with Matt to meet with the urologist to discuss what needed to happen. Matt had already been doing research on it before he was diagnosed officially and told me that it is one of the "good" types of cancer to have because it is very responsive to surgery, chemo, and radiation. That made me feel better, but still, people have died from this kind of cancer before. The urologist recommended going to surgery almost immediately to take out the cancer and send it to pathology. Matt was scheduled to go to the operating room on that Friday. The results of the pathology would largely dictate what needed to be done afterwards. We didn't know if the cancer had spread to his lungs or brain or anything. Even after we spoke to the urologist, and what he was saying was promising, I was still feeling unsteady. I remember talking to my sister Tiffany on the phone that day and she was telling me that I would surprise myself as to how strong and brave I would be through this whole experience. That I would be able to feel strength from my Father in Heaven. She would know because she has gone through more heart break in her life than anyone I know. As the days went on I knew what Tiffany meant, I could literally feel the prayers that were said for my family and me. I have never felt that before as strongly as I did the next couple of days. It was amazing.

On Thursday night Matt's parents and two brothers came into town. They wanted to be there for us and I was truly grateful that they did. Friday morning came and Matt's dad and brothers and I all went to the hospital. Pat stayed home with the kids which allowed me relax and focus on Matt. I was able to stay with him up until they wheeled him off to surgery.

Matt right before he went into surgery. Oh how I love this man!

The surgery went perfectly. The urologist was very positive with how the surgery went but said that we wouldn't know the details until the pathologist could look at the tumor. It would take several days to get the results back. We just found out a couple of day ago that the preliminary results showed that he had a type of cancer called seminoma, which is the easiest to treat. We haven't heard about the final results but have an upcoming appointment with the Urologist to find out what further treatment/follow up is in store for Matthew. We are very hopeful that he won't need a lot of chemotherapy or radiation treatments.

I will do my best to keep you all updated with what is going on but in the mean time please keep our little family in your prayers.